Sunshine & roses

My experience of life wasn’t all sunshine and roses with a brilliant outlook filled with gratitude and love and moments of joy.

And it’s still a work in progress.

It took me a long minute - several years - to grasp, much less make a daily practice, the concept of intentionally choosing joy. 

Back then, I was fully committed - feet planted firmly in the ground - to my circumstances (which admittedly I thought I was doing a great job of navigating).  Sure I was grateful. I knew in the grand scheme of things I was blessed.  Intellectually, I knew the only way to the other side was through. And so I did that.... I counted my blessings and I set my sights on getting through to the other side...one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And I found that when you walk in the murky for a long enough time … it starts to feel very real.  I think we start to believe the circumstances.  And whatever story we tell ourselves.  

In hindsight, I believed my story. And it coloured the lens I saw, and experienced, life through.

So it took a minute.

But eventually, I got to a place where I could look at my life, and life itself, a little differently.  I was able to take my power back. And choose to tell a different story.  

And I learned:
I am not my circumstances.
I am not the story I tell about myself, or even the story others tell about me.
I am not my past.

And I have learned to be more intentional about my life, about the living of it; the savouring of details and making incredible memories.  Because living intentionally was not something I did.  I was more focused on surviving.  Placing one foot in front of the other.  

So, my experience of life has not been all sunshine and roses.  Alot of the time, it felt more like a storm.  Sometimes it still feels more overcast than sunshine and clear blue skies. And I imagine we all have days like that ... where it feels like you can’t catch a break.

Today was one of those days for me. I woke up and as minds tend to do … mine was a bit all over the place.  And as a result, I began my day off kilter … and as usually was the way for me…  it skews the lens I am seeing and experiencing everything through. Everything.  

In the past, my tendency was to give up on the day. It was doomed from the start ... Who was I to argue with destiny???  Why bother?  Etc etc.  But I have gotten a lot better at navigating less than optimal moments and not letting a few hours dictate my entire day.   Sometimes it takes a moment, and I am able to stop myself in my tracks.  Sometimes I reach out to a friend.  Sometimes it starts with what I am grateful for.  And sometimes ... it’s the literal sunshine and roses.  Can I stop and feel the sun on my skin?  

Can I choose to not let my day happen to me?  And instead focus on all the other moments that could possibly swing the pendulum towards good.   Moments that technically outweigh the bad.  Or am I going to let 4 hours ruin my entire day?

And then the lens change. 

Today was a good day.  I remembered I get to choose.  And I chose to be intentional about the rest of the day.  I chose sunshine and roses.