It’s 2020. The world was quiet. I could hear myself think. Finally. While the entire process is a journey, I would like to think something changed for me in 2020…and a new chapter in my journey began. A voice whispered…."You are the master of your fate…"
'I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.'
From Invictus, by William Ernest Henley
What followed, would be the steps, albeit not in any way linear, which got me to here. Mostly though, it was a long exhale. An unravelling. A trying to figure things out. The players included … a psychologist, astrology sessions, the university of Instagram 😳, a weekend (virtually) with Tony Robbins, and always, my journals for my sanity, and books for my escape. And to be absolutely clear, if anybody would have told the 20 year old version of myself that I would do natal chart readings and reiki sessions, sit cross-legged under the full moon setting intentions, and sound bowl ceremonies… I would have found the entire suggestion laughable. To each her own. Sigh. Yet here we are. I did all that. And, to be honest, I would not change a thing. Looking back now …from one leap year (2024) to the last one (2020) – I cannot remember making any declarations…but clearly I made a decision.
- I am responsible for my life.
- I am responsible for all the choices I have made in my life.
- I am responsible.
In 2021, my journey continued, and I learned about a lot of things. It was quite literally, a whole new world. A world which was simultaneously profound and simple. Like I was hearing things for the first time, seeing life through a different lens. An entire new glossary of terms. I remember listening to a free online masterclass about integration and transformation and it blew my mind. The irony was not lost on me. The world as we knew it had shut down, and a world of possibilities had opened up. I had no idea what would come next or how it would unfold. I still have not a clue. But I was ready then… to go into the cocoon. Aware that the version of me who would emerge on the other side would be …different. Well, that was the hope. A death; and a rebirth, so to speak. I imagined it would take a year, give or take a few months. It has taken a bit longer. But I learned so much, about myself, about others. About life.
A question from a friend in 2021: What are we holding onto?
My answer:
For me ... the past. Mine. It’s layered. So it’s like I have been shedding and then there’s another layer. And it’s fine. I see the patterns. And am releasing them. And then I see the mutation of the pattern... another way in which it has shown up. Releasing it all. I made the happenings of my life mean something ... and allowed them to define me. I am in the process of redefining Nicole-Anne and creating a new blueprint. One version of me ... was there to protect me. And I don’t need that one anymore. So I am in the process of letting go.
What was required? Surrender.
The best visual depiction of surrender for me was in the movie INSURGENT, the second installment of the Divergent series.
The scene where the main character Tris... has to confront her inner demons (memories, past choices... past relationships.. who she was in those relationships. What she made it mean. The loved ones we were not able to save - what would we do differently in the defining moments of our life?), to unlock the 5 sided box. It’s the final level / challenge. And this particular demon, is herself - who she is, her past choices, her ...she has to confront herself. And there’s a moment where the current Tris and the past Tris are both gathering themselves, just before the image of the past version of herself attacks, and in the last moment, she (the current Tris) closes her eyes ... surrendering. She surrendered. And that’s it ... fight over. The image of her past self passes through her. And the final side of the cube unlocks.
Now if ONLY I could just figure out how to do that, for myself, as closing my eyes has not yielded much success. Smile.
I also learned about duality ... being able to walk with both sadness and joy. Duality being the concept that in life there would be moments of sadness and moments of joy, moments of beauty. This was the nature of life. The question was could I hold both? At the same time?! And could I entertain the possibility of not allowing my moments of sadness to ruin my joy. In 2022, I had to really put that into practice. And I survived. I am still standing.
In 2021, we were still in lockdown, and I was managing two houses and two parents living with dementia, and all that entailed. It was challenging and rewarding at the same time. There were hard moments, and there were also lighter moments. What 2021 looked like for me then was an ongoing conversation with myself:
I am going to be ok. I am strong enough. No matter what happens ... it will be ok. I will still stand. I am going to be ok. It’s going to be ok. There will be disappointments, and unexpected isms and... I will be ok. I don’t have to protect myself from the hurt and shield myself from the trauma because on the other side of the massive walls I have built to protect myself ... is the fullness of life. It is the place where all the joy and the laughter, and the feeling of the wind against my skin and the sun on my skin reside. On the other side. And I belong over there ... playing full out with all the other beings ... I am ok. It will be ok. On the other side, there is fulfillment and happiness and love ... It’s where ALL the colour is... the full spectrum. The big pack of Crayola crayons. The good and the bad. And I will be ok.
To be continued ...
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