Enter 2022. I began the year in the most incredible way. I was flying. Open. Ready. Life was good. My expectation was ... this would be THE year. Let’s go. I was pumped. Excited for all the possibilities. It was going to be epic. (So says every human before God, the Universe, Mother Nature laughs 😳). Within a month of that declaration, I was hit with the most devastating loss. My father passed. Enter duality. Life would continued... one day at a time. And it continued as it had before. But now, I could allow myself to walk with both sadness and joy. And with me doing me.
Being me involved a lot of doing. For everyone else. And I did this for a really long time. How long, became more and more clear with the passage of time. I had been living my life more or less in support of a lot of other people, and not for myself. My default was - distracting myself I am guessing. My focus ... was outside of me…how can I help? And there were several reasons for that. All fodder for a different day. And to be honest ... does it even matter?!
But I digress ... Tick tock. It’s now August of 2022, and I had had enough. Enough of playing a support role. This was supposed to by THE year. Taking it back. It was my turn now. I set out to live my life for me. I had just completed the most incredible year in an extraordinary container with the most beautiful soul as its leader. The largest investment in myself outside of the realm of academics. And I had been doing ‘the work’ on me. To just be me. Figure me. Do me. I was hopeful. Smile. As a by the way, it is my humble opinion, that hope is a crapshoot. But as we go.
It was time I stepped out of my comfort zone. And I did. I met some new people and I said goodbye to some mainstays. Endings and beginnings. There was a time that I would have taken the goodbyes personally. Made it mean something about me. I didn’t. It was what it was. Next. New adventures beckoned. I had chosen to live my life. For me. To embrace the magic of it all. To feel the sun on my skin. To witness and be fully in the majesty of sunsets. To stand in the glow of full moon. To savour the moments. All of them. Release and let go. And live. Create moments. And I think I did a fairly good job. Life synchronicities - my domain name was registered. A web page created and ... by 2023, several months later, I had posted my very first blog. Like who am I? But still there was something missing. And I couldn’t figure out what that something was.
Life. Fleeting. Ephemeral. Not promised. Does any of it matter? How did I live it? My mentor would ask - how alive was I in my life? And I tried, to make the most of moments. To create the memories. But still ... something was missing. What? I was literally living in the moment. And soaking it all in. But I had no foot in the future. And I understood why.
The trials of life, which to each of us, whatever we have made that mean in our individual journeys, is what it is. These trials can chip away at the essence of who we are. Of who we have known ourself to be. And then one day you’re bewildered at the things that seemingly throw you off your game. For me, life had chipped away at my sense of self. Small, seemingly innocuous little pieces... so tiny that in and of themselves, each chip was insignificant. In the realm of law ... it would be deemed ‘de minimis’. But collectively, it had become a sizable chunk. And it manifested in a myriad of ways.
One of the ways was, I had somehow forgotten that I was still entitled to a life. For me. Filled with my own dreams. And over time, I had ceased all efforts towards the building of a life. And not one just to say I had one ... but an extraordinary one. Also, I had not allowed myself to dream in so long that I honestly believed I had forgotten how to.
In 2023, I was intentional about living and being in the moment. About creating the moments, actively choosing what I want to remember and who I wanted to be, anchoring in memories. I chased sunsets, went on road trips. I laughed, I cried. I made mistakes, I stretched, I grew. I drank wines, I hung out with friends. I did new things. I loved. I took a copious amount of pictures. I healed. I reflected. And as with the best of intentions, there were times when I struggled with being in the moment vs getting caught up in all it wasn’t.
It’s now 2024. Reclaiming me. But more than that. It’s simply being more myself. And getting to discover who that really is. No obligations. No shoulds. The simple truth is ... I have an amazing life. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have incredible friendships, old and new. A lovely home. A potentially lush garden. LOL. I can see, hear, touch, feel, breathe and experience this amazing life. And it’s mine. And that takes on more meaning every single day. I love and I am loved. And, I still have my journals, and I have access to amazing book adventures with incredible female characters, totally awesome book boyfriends, and intriguing colourful well built worlds that I am wildly passionate about. And I am grateful. For it all.
The bonus ... I now know what the missing something (from above) is. Me. Fully in my life. The trick became figuring out how to step into the main role of my own life. One of the first things I chose to do was quit with immediate effect, and absolutely no notice to the world, my tendency to ‘rush’ in, offering to share, help and fix ... literally everybody else. My new mantra became ‘not my monkey, not my circus’. On repeat. Additionally... and a carry over from 2023 – life has become less automatic pilot, and more conscious intentionality.
My journey to here. I had run out of path. And I had been standing still. For a very long time.
Busy? yes.
Doing all the things? yes.
Creating memories? Yes.
Now, the real adventure begins. And it’s uncharted territory. My journey back. Some things I will have to leave behind. But, there is so much more that awaits…on the other side.
With love and in gratitude
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