A musing from before

I can remember giving thought to my reason for being, my purpose, my why.  Not for a long time in any event.  In fact … the last time was over a decade a go, in the middle of the court case.  When I was searching then …. I read books like The Purpose Driven Life, etc.  Did I in some way, make an implicit agreement then to 'struggle it out' and that it was okay to …'surrender' some more to what was and ride it out – go with the flow?

But we are not doing that today. 

Maybe this random musing is because I have just now entered the cocoon ... a space to think on all the things.  Maybe?  Who knows? And its ok...nothing before its time.   Or maybe the feelings now are just more intense…and still in any event, nothing before its time.

What has been on my mind of late is, my reason for being.  Like, why am I, any of us, here?  And the answer I came up with was to live.  And to live full out.  Fully self expressed and more.  Abundantly so.   To serve.  To somehow touch the lives of other.

Along the way in this journey to here I lost…, no I…misplaced…my ability to trust, to believe The saying is …once there is life, there is hope.  Yeah, okay, except for me, hope felt like something sold to the desperate, a straw to grasp when all is lost.  When the curve balls of life hit, seemingly again and again…for no obvious reason, and you begin to feel like you’re being punished, …and you are so cowed down enough by life that after awhile you begin to tell yourself a lot of stuff – and the bad things become easier to believe.   So maybe there can there just be life…without the hope. It's just part of life.  The ebbs and flow.

Along the way to here, I have loved, laughed, cried, gotten hurt, been disappointed, been taken advantage of.  I have made myself be small and play small.  I have imagined myself a burden and heavy and interacted with people accordingly,… and I kept playing a smaller game… My magnificence lost…well misplaced…never lost.

There are things that have come up over the year. Things that I now have an explanation for.  Something I can bite into. Things to be healed. In my being. In the who I be. In how I lead. In my sisterhood etc. Around love, health and money.

And it’s ok. It’s all ok.

So many thoughts.

Loving me.

Walking for me.  

Excited.

Feeling the magic.