Only time will tell

I disappeared for a few months. It was not intentional.  I did not plan not to show up, not to continue to write my blog, not to do all the things. And it would be easy to blame life and times. But to be honest, life was relatively good. Sure there was stuff in the day to the day that was going on, but it was nothing really big in the grand scheme of things. I have done big.   This was not that.  And I am extremely grateful.  It was more me finding my feet...yet again.  Learning it will probably happen again but hopefully, I will show up regardless.  

In any event, time marches on.  And time did what it always does ...it passed. Mostly, my mind was filled with a lot of thoughts and voices. The voices, were mostly mine...offering helpful and unhelpful counsel in whichever direction I chose to take my thoughts, on any given day. And my brain was caught up in processing the myriad of miscellaneous things I was trying to figuring out. The hope was I would be able to stack it all up in neat little piles tied with colour coded ribbons. Contemplations... about life. About beliefs. Actually, that is not quite right... I was thinking specifically about my life, my beliefs, the whole nine yards in the world of me. Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? What is my purpose? Why am I here? And so on and so forth. An incredible amount of mental ramblings. Some of it circular, I am sure. Did I stop writing? No. I continued to write. To capture my thoughts, hoping to make sense of ....everything. Because ...writing, for me is sanity. 

Several months later, am I any clearer? Am I resolved? Do I have some brilliant epiphany to make all the expenditure of mental (and at times emotional) energy worth it? Yes. And no. No...because as at the time of writing, the answers to the questions posed above remain somewhat elusive. Definitely not as concrete as I would prefer them to be. And yes...because...while I am not 100% clear about everything (but then, is anyone?) I am resolved about a few things. Namely, what gets to move forward with me as I take the next step on my journey and equally, what I get to let go. Additionally, because for some reason, it feels like I have been kind of, along for the ride, so to speak....seated in the passenger seat, as opposed to the driver's seat.. I am claiming ownership of me and my life. 

As I explained to a friend recently, it felt as if the path I was traveling on had disappeared, and I was standing at the edge of a thick, dark forest. Trees to the left and to the right. The path behind me had become ridiculously overgrown, so going back, retracing my steps, was not an option. The only way to beyond (and I have to believe there is a beyond) was to choose a direction, take a step and go forward. And the choice was mine....whichever direction I chose ... would be okay. I just had to choose. All the sayings come to mind...leap and the net will appear; take a step and the path will appear. Forging paths into the unknown. It felt so foreign. I have always known exactly where I was going, how I planned to get there, and then I moved confidently in that direction. Standing still and not knowing what next, was uncharted territory for me. All I had to do was choose a direction. And know there would be no wrong choice. I had come to a line in the sand then? What came before, was behind me. Once I stepped over the line, it would be onto paths unknown. Am I ready for it? I guess only time will tell. 

Post mental ramblings, for sure were no neat little piles tied with colour coded ribbons, just miles and miles of every shade of green imaginable. A forest of possibilities.