It feels like it was just the end of last month. And at the end of February, it felt that way too...'wait we were just in January...the year had just started'. Time passes. Like, it is once again the end of the month and I am bewildered, truly, at the passing of time, and my mind does this thing, and the voices in my head start a silly conversation about time: Where did it go? What did I do? Have I finished anything I said I would at the beginning of the month, the year?
And then another voice helpfully jumps in with: Well did you even finish that? (I even imagine it, the voice in my head, rolling its eyes)
Am I any closer to my goals? Any more in alignment? Have I grown? What have I learned? Am I trying to do too much? Are you even aware of the season are in and what is possible?
And so on ....Sigh!!
And yes...at the end of the month ...I do sit with myself and ask these questions and more and yet still... here we are again.
I sometimes manage to whip myself into a frenzy with these thoughts. A frenzy of anxious energy that gets me nowhere and amounts to me beating myself up...which also gets me nowhere.
(Yes. I am guilty of being extremely hard on myself. And yes, I am my worst critic.)
The voices in my head battle on ...til a quiet one whispers: Breathe. Stop....this is getting you nowhere.
And then the voices quiet and there is silence.
So...this is crazy, right? Because its a cycle that is on repeat and I am about ...
No... I am done.
Early this year I started a different approach to my massive and ever growing to do list (not a badge of honour) by choosing 2 or 3 things to focus on and do. (It is a brilliant suggestion...Thank you.) Everything else completed on any given day would be brawta...extra. The results of this approach were two-fold...it resulted in more white space, more margin, and less beating up of myself because each day was ultimately a win, a success. Mostly. However, in my monthly review exercise, I noted that while I was checking off the items, YAY me...and that resulted in less beating up of myself, another YAY..., I was still operating off of a glorified to do list, and wasn’t quite moving the needle in a global way. I get this is not rocket science to most...but yet here I am .
And...
“Freedom does not come from a checklist” - Danielle LaPorte
So what really was the deal?
I was always busy.
I was doing all the things ...attempting to multitask, obviously not successfully.
I would love to blame time but we all get 24 hours so ...
I would love to blame the possibility of poor time management skills but not one of my challenges and one can only blame things for so long.
And yes I have been on automatic pilot for a long time, so perhaps that was my default operating system.
But there is always a reason. An excuse. Enough.
Ultimately, I had not really taken the time to identify a new direction. I just started doing the opposite of whatever I was doing before.
And yes it worked...for a time. Am so not beating myself up. It probably was necessary.
The good news is I have been rocking getting better at the living of my life and noticing, being grateful for and celebrating the wins, and this has been and continues to be a beautiful experience. Watching the sun set, spending time looking at the full moon, buying myself flowers, reading a good book, going outside - noticing nature doing her thing, feeling the kiss of the sun on my skin, conversations with friends, hugs. Simple pleasures, that I mostly took for granted, but now I intentionally spend a moment to savour. This is great and deserves acknowledgement. So clapping me on the back.
We circle back - Time passes.
And it is never too late to begin again.
Breathing. Because ultimately I am okay. And I got this. And I get to focus first, on the next step in front of me, and then the next.
As with walking, so in life.
So my next step: Purposefully blocking time to design and create the life I desire. And then identifying the steps to move the needle in that direction, linking it all back to the big picture.
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