Untethered

Do you ever feel untethered? adrift? unclear? lacking focus? devoid of direction?

This has been me, at times this year, for a few weeks, well… months, if I am being completely honest. And while I have been sitting with it - the perfectionist in me judges myself on whether I am even doing that, sitting with it, correctly.  The hope being that the still quiet voice within that says ‘there is no right way’, is not my ego, disguised as some higher being, soothing myself for being adrift.

It’s like I feel like I am in this space, where I am looking back on my life, on my journey to here and now, and seeing patterns and themes, and I am left with the question of who am I even? Did I know? Do I know?  

I have worn so many hats in this lifetime, played so many roles.  Who am I without them seems to be the question of the hour.  This version of me who is the result of all the versions that came before is questioning the status quo. And in the game of life, it mostly feels like life is winning. But then, that approach puts me in an un-winnable position, and does it even have to be set up that way? Me against life?

There is a lot of talk in certain spaces about ones’ life being a co-creation.  And if, and when, I look at my life that way... then… I created this.  All of it.  And if I played a part in the creation of this, then I can create anew.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.” - William Shakespeare

The world is... well whatever it is, but more importantly for me, and for each of us, is the question - what do I want my experience of it to be?  What do I want to see, taste, hear, feel, touch?  What do I want to experience?

When I reflect on my life, the things I think of when I ask myself those questions - were really not mostly big things.  Nor were the things I remembered.  What I remembered, what came to my mind, what I desire more of…

It’s in the sound of the voice of a loved one, a friend's laugh, it's in the “hey gyal” or “what's up stranger” - greetings I have been blessed to hear in the voice of the person who says it all the time, even as I read or type the words.

It’s in the smile on the face of someone I love, or the glee on my nephews’ face on whichever roller-coaster he was beyond excited about, and I for love of nephew I gladly jumped on.   

It’s in the softest kiss, or my mom's hand softly stroking my head, or snuggled up in the softest blanket and a good book on a rainy day.

It’s in the taste of new foods, the explosion of all the flavours on my tongue.

A life lived fully is a a smorgasbord of sights, sounds, taste, touch, smells.  Of lives touched and memories made.

I remember in detail the first time I experienced the delicious and spicy pop of a ginger margarita from Spice Market in New York, the sounds of conversations around me, the feel of the place, the bar.  It was a vibe.  The food was beyond exquisite.  

I remember watching the sun slowly descend at the end of a day… where no two days are the same, and it is one of my favourite things to do.

The future yawns ahead... and with it an invitation to begin again,…or per one of my mentors, Melanie Ann Layer, to build on top of all that has gone before, and create a beautiful life.

For me, in furtherance of the co-creation of a beautiful, there have been times when life quiets the noise, so I can…hear differently, see differently.  The gift of the pause is I can hear, in the silence, the quietest of voices whisper, "Whether anchored on adrift, the choice,..is, and was always Yours.  It's your play.  You are the writer, the director and the lead role."

Is that what-was meant by the gift of free will, getting to choose... how do we want life to be??

What am I choosing?

I am choosing to build, on top of everything that has come before. 
I am the writer, director, and the lead role.

I am grateful for all that has been…for all that currently is…
I am excited about what’s to come.

What are you choosing?